Our 213 Things

CavTroop · Post by **CavTroop** » April 23rd, 2004, 12:54 pm

Ranger h8train1/75 and I have been trading a few "Skippyisms" (see thread entitled 213 Things) and we'd like to hear some of yours.

Here are ours so far:

1. I'm not allowed to go fishing with C-4 and a blasting cap.

2. I'm not allowed to take flashbangs from the Ammo point for the 4th of July.

3. I'm not allowed to use military equipment to conduct raids on crack houses while on pass.

4. I'm not allowed to see how steep a slope my tank will climb before it stalls.

5. Deleted. This one's not funny anymore.

6. I must always make sure the drain plugs are installed in my APC before doing a swim demonstration in front of the CG.

7. I'm not allowed to shoot at formations of wild geese in the air with my MG, even if they are downrange. Even if the CO is doing it with his .45.

8. I'm not allowed to set off flashbangs outside my CO's quarters at 3 in the morning. Even if my SGM tells me it's OK to do so.

9. I'm not allowed to ask the Chief of Staff if he has ever had his shit pushed in. Even if my Squad Leader says it's OK.

10. I was not allowed to yell "Gooks in the wire!" when Gen. Shenseki walked in our AO.

11. I am not allowed to rip the tab off of Gen. Shinseki's shoulder and tell him where to stuff his stars.

12. I am not authorized to make the new private my squire.

OK, let's hear yours!

CT and h8train1/75 Out

PS: A disclaimer: No one should assume that these things actually happened or were perpetrated, or almost perpetrated, or even thought about, by the posters. In case of anyone claiming that they did, all such claims are categorically denied. In other words, PROVE IT!

CavTroop · Post by **CavTroop** » April 23rd, 2004, 1:25 pm

Here's a couple more from us:

I am not allowed to replace my body armor plates with MRE cartons because "The shit is too heavy."

I am not allowed to perform mock interrogations with the new privates even though I am a SERE graduate.

I am not authorized to ask POWs if they are "Specialling Forces" in a Russian accent when I know they are not.

I am not allowed to make POWs wear dresses even though they might look pretty in them.

I am not a trained interrogator.

The initials SS are not allowed on any military equipment. Including my body.

I am not authorized to crucify Rippies, even though I am authorized to threaten them with it.

I am no longer allowed to say to the chaplain "God doesn't have the balls to give me a total malfunction."

Or "The rain God is a pussy."

Chink, Cha-chingk, Cha-chingk is not the unit's theme song.

Telling everyone that I was picked as the company's EO representative because "I am the most Aryan-looking motherfucker." is not funny.

"Taboo" is not authorized to be sung at Change of Command ceremonies.

CT and h8train1/75

Vee · Post by **Vee** » April 23rd, 2004, 1:33 pm

I am not allowed to install any chrome accessories on my RSOV....no matter how cool it looks.

Creeping Death · Post by **Creeping Death** » April 23rd, 2004, 2:02 pm

A potato cannon IS considered a POW.

Charles Whitman is not an acceptable role model, and I am therefore not allowed to shoot legs walking down the sidewalk with said illegal potato cannon from my barracks window.

I am not allowed to disassemble Gustoff rounds in the barracks to assist in further R&D for an illegal potato cannon.

I am not allowed to give remedial lessons in proper IMT techniques to the cherries in the hallway using CO2 powered BB guns.

The proper uniform for buffing the hallways IS NOT in a blacked out environment, wearing nothing but a green chemlight tied to, and dangling from, my dick.

"Naked Thursdays" is not an acceptable vehicle to facilitate unit cohesion.

I am not allowed to use government provided 550 cord to illegally hunt alligators out of season.

I am not allowed to keep any illegally caught alligators in my barracks shower.

..... or under my bed.

..... or in my back room.

No, the alligator cannot be A Co's offical mascot, even if Big John is no longer with us.

I must not release alligators into the fishing pond on post. People do fish there, ya know.

Walking it on a leash, as if it were a dog, is not the proper manner to facilitate the transportation of an illegally caught alligator away from a military barracks.

I am not allowed to conveniently forget to say "branch!" when approaching an overhead obstacle during night boat movements, even if my squad leader / coxswan, who hates me, just told me to shut the fuck up and to stop breaking noise discipline.

I am not allowed to ask my squad leader / coxswan "where the fuck is your headgear, Ranger!?" after he just recently took a nasty spill in the river due to an unforseen overhead branch.

The shooting tower on the sniper range is not "a really big treestand", and I am not allowed to shoot deer who happen to occupy said sniper range for a little morning roughage.

Dick tricks is not an acceptable greeting for cherry officers from legland. They can't handle the shock just yet.

I am not allowed to cut back the packing list IOT ensure I have enough room for dip and porn mags.

Jousting on the bikes at the sniper range offers very little to no training value whatsoever.

I am not allowed to call Range Control upon the range going hot, and report contact and request immediate fire support.

CavTroop · Post by **CavTroop** » April 23rd, 2004, 3:33 pm

I am not allowed to yell to other officers across the room, as we are saddling up for a day in the field early in the morning, when the RCO is asleep on the other side of the wall.

I am not allowed to laugh when the RXO comes in the room to tell us to shut up.

When asked to say a few words at the squadron dining-in, at a podium next to the SCO, while seriously drunk, it is improper behavior to throw up on the SCO's place setting.

It is even worse to laugh after doing so.

Parabellum · Post by **Parabellum** » April 24th, 2004, 1:50 pm

I am not allowed to yell "GET OFF THE FUCKIN' GRASS!" to the post Sergeant Major.

I am not allowed to recite the quote from Scarface "Say hello to my little friend" everytime I pick up an M203.

I am no longer allowed in a compound that has females, period.

I am not authorized to take ammunition from the range and sell it to militia groups. Even at half price.

Dog fighting is not allowed in the day room. Even after duty hours.

Buffer riding is not a prerequisite for Ranger school.

Spit shine doesn't mean real spit is used.

Flesh Thorn · Post by **Flesh Thorn** » April 25th, 2004, 8:17 am

I am not allowed to throw ice at the street preachers while I am on the club patio, drunk,underage in Ft.Walton Beach, in front of the police, when I am suppose to be at Ft. Benning and subject to recall.

I am allowed to reply over the radio with "Hooah" to the C.O.

I am not allowed to use the D.M.D.G. to send out football or NASCAR results.

I am not alowed to use the SATCOM equipment to request beam up from the starship in orbit.

I am not allowed to use my I.R. tape as a fashion statement.

Looon · Post by **Looon** » April 25th, 2004, 8:31 am

The guys in my Zodiac are not allowed to offer asistance to the guys in the other zodiac that is pinned under a tree, sinking. Even if you can here them saying "owe....lookout....that hurts.........get some of the that water out....this is bad...fuck!"

Slowpoke · Post by **Slowpoke** » April 25th, 2004, 9:17 am

I am not allowed to send new cherries to the supply room for "Canopy Lights".

I am not allowed to send the same cherries to the 1st Sgt for their "Mastubation Papers".

Steadfast · Post by **Steadfast** » April 25th, 2004, 10:08 am

I am not allowed to shoot the "cherry" for talking loud on radio when they should be whispering & trying to be quiet as possible.

I am not allowed to shoot the "cherry" when waiting in ambush for the enemy and the "cherry" yells, "There they are" at the top of his lungs before the enemy is in the kill zone.

I am not allowed to shoot the "cherry" who shined his flashlight at night while looking for a place to shit while in enemy territory.

I am not allowed to shoot the "cherry" when he trips on the trail and shoots a teammate in front of him while in enemy territory.

I am not allowed to kick the "cherry's" ass when we return to the rear but I can get his ass booted out of UNIT.

Slowpoke · Post by **Slowpoke** » April 25th, 2004, 2:49 pm

I am not allowed to step in the corn when jumping over the serving line in the Mess Hall.

I am not allowed to thump on any of the cooks, no matter how much of a smart ass he is.

CavTroop · Post by **CavTroop** » April 26th, 2004, 5:31 am

I am not allowed to play Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" over the command net during an attack on the OPFOR, even if the RCO is of German descent.

It is wrong to set off smoke grenades during the Gay/Lesbian Valentine's Day dance on campus, even if they ARE lavender. (Purple!!! They're purple!!!)

I am not allowed to greet non-cavalry senior officers while saluting, especially generals who branched FA, with the phrase "If you ain't cav, you ain't shit, Sir!"

Parabellum · Post by **Parabellum** » April 26th, 2004, 12:31 pm

I am not authorized to redisignate the 1st Armored Division to the 1st Panzer division.

The Death's Head Skull does not take the place of the Regimental crest on the class A uniform. Nor does an Iron Maiden pin.

Ethnic cleansing is not funny.

I am not authorized to speak freely.

Teaching new cherries to "cook off" flashbang grenades is not funny.

Chemlights aren't for Battalion "Rave" parties.

Don't drink chemlight juice. It is not Mountian Dew.

Steadfast · Post by **Steadfast** » April 26th, 2004, 2:36 pm

I am not allowed to toss a CS gas cannister in the base movie theater while George Clooney or Susan Saradon is on screen.